Redefining Fatherhood: My Journey as a Stay-At-Home Dad

By Sanman Thapa |9-14-2024|11:18 pm

-***-

Growing up, I always imagined myself in a career that would allow me to provide for my family—something steady, respectable, something that made sense. But in 2009, when my wife Kim and I welcomed our son, Aiden, life threw us a curveball. The 2008 financial crash had already shaken things up, leaving me without the career in finance I’d been working towards. Kim’s job as a teacher with the NYCDOE was our anchor—stable, reliable, and with benefits that gave us some peace of mind. So, after more late-night conversations than I can count, we made a choice that would change everything: I would stay home with Aiden.

Was this decision easy? Absolutely not. Did it fit the picture of the life I had in mind? Not even close. But Kim and I held onto one core belief: parents should be the ones there for their kids in those early years. We didn’t want Aiden’s first years shaped by a revolving door of babysitters or nannies. Even with all my doubts, that belief kept me grounded in our decision.

But let’s be real—it wasn’t just about who was best suited to stay home. There was a lot more under the surface. As a South Asian man, stepping into a role traditionally seen as “women’s work” felt like crossing an invisible line. I grew up around clear, sometimes rigid expectations of what it meant to be a man. And suddenly, I was in the thick of it, feeling the weight of judgments from both outside and within. It made me wonder—how many other men were going through the same internal struggle? How did fathers from other backgrounds—Black, Latino, White, Asian—navigate these unexpected shifts in family roles, especially when the economic downturn left us with fewer choices?

The truth is, the financial crisis didn’t just knock out bank accounts; it knocked down walls of tradition. A lot of families found themselves rethinking who did what at home, and stay-at-home dads became less of a rarity. For some, this was progress—a breaking of old molds. For others, it was uncomfortable, a challenge to what they believed about gender roles. I felt caught in that push and pull, trying to make sense of a path I hadn’t planned on taking.

Kim’s feelings were a mix, too. There were days when she wished she could swap her classroom for time at home, to catch those first steps, first words—the milestones I got to see. And honestly, I would’ve swapped with her in a heartbeat some days. But as time went on, she started to see the silver lining. Aiden and I were building a bond that ran deeper than the everyday frustrations. It wasn’t just about who stayed home; it was about the connection we were forming.

With Aiden, every day was a lesson. He saw me as more than just Dad—he saw a friend, a partner in his little world of playgrounds and Lego battles. It wasn’t always clear-cut. Balancing that closeness with the boundaries of parenting wasn’t easy, and there were moments when I wondered if our dynamic was just a side effect of him being an only child. But one thing was certain: our time together was laying the groundwork for who he would become. I learned to listen to him to respect his little voice, and in turn, I saw him grow more confident and curious with each passing day.

Being a stay-at-home dad wasn’t just a role; it was a challenge to everything I thought I knew about manhood. It was a quiet rebellion against what was expected of me, of us. Some people, even those close to me, couldn’t quite wrap their heads around it. I remember the looks, the offhand comments—“Isn’t that your wife’s job?” And honestly, there were times I asked myself the same thing. There were days when I felt stuck, unsure if I was really cut out for this. But fifteen years down the line, I can look back and say that I was one of the lucky ones. I got to be there for Aiden in ways that mattered deeply, even if I didn’t always see it that way at the moment.

This journey wasn’t just about adapting to the aftermath of a financial crisis—it was about evolving as a person and as a father. It taught me that caregiving isn’t tied to gender; it’s tied to showing up every day for the people you love. Watching Aiden grow into the young man he is now, I’m reminded that the choices we made—unconventional as they were—shaped us all.

In the end, redefining fatherhood wasn’t about what society thought or what tradition dictated. It was about finding strength in vulnerability, about choosing to be present in the mess and beauty of everyday life. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that success isn’t about fitting into a role; it’s about carving out your own, one that feels true to who you are and who you want to be for your family.

-***-